Hmmonoly – episode 6: Get a job or get a tattoo. Or both

To get the full story, start with EPISODE 1

Next thing I know, I’m involved in this crazy sampling of bucket-list items. It was all a race to see ‘the ten places you had to see before you die’, or getting overwhelmed by those 50 books you should read before you drop dead or something.

Now, apparently, these sort of experiences are supposed to leave one feeling fulfilled, whereas how it made us feel was broke. For the first time since I had switched bodies, I found myself in need of an additional source of income. And since the outcome of my first line of business was the munchies, selling hot-dogs as a second job seemed like the most logical choice. To my dismay, my hamster-buddy felt inclined to join me in this enterprise.

Source: Maggie Hoffman

‘Do you think I should get a tattoo?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Do you think I should get a tattoo?’, Bifidus asked again, bent on not changing a single word of the question. But that’s hamsters for you – bloody single-minded primates.

‘Sure, I mean… whatever, knock yourself out if that’s what you really want to, but… why would you want a tattoo?’. Then I added, most satisfied of my ability to blend in: `That’s’ such a human thing to do, you know?`

‘Now, hold on a second, that’s not fair.’

‘It totally is.’


‘Ok, tell me one decent animal who bruises its skin in order to inscribe it with meaningless doodles.’

‘Well, it’s all the rage with cows.’

‘Oh, really, with like the epitome of coolness in the animal kingdom?’, I said, sarcasm seeping from my every pore.

‘What are you going on about? Cows are totally cool.’, she said, like it was the most obvious, common knowledge thing in the world.

Source: cbertel

Which, it probably was. It was all still fairly new to me, so…

‘Yeah, but they have to rationalize that shit. It’s not like they choose to be tattooed, now do they? It’s their way of coping with it.’

‘Oh, my… can you be more square?’

‘B, you’re a rodent, how would you know about squares?’

Suddenly, I remembered I shouldn’t have known about it either, technically. So all the hard work of blending in was in vain, I thought, when to my surprise, came her explanation.

‘You know the wheel those bumbling idiots give us?’

‘Bumbling idiots’ was a generic term for humans. Animals think we are basically animals. The disdain goes both ways.


‘That shit evolved. It used to be a square. Can you imagine? The wretched apes made us run in hollow rectangles and squares at first.’

‘Ugh, sounds unpleasant.’

‘You tell me! The ankle injuries were fierce, I tell you. Luckily, we’ve always known how to improve our lives. And, inadvertently, do the same to those of others’, he said, bosom swelling with pride.

‘What, like… you mean you invented the wheel and gave it to humans?’

Bifidus gave me another one of those `you should definitely know this sort of shit` look, so I thought I might be better off trying to limit the scope of our conversations for the day if I didn’t want things to become any more awkward…


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