To get the full story, start with EPISODE 1
I looked in the general direction of my chest and there they were…
The plumpest, wiggliest, perkiest bosoms I could imagine, ironically now so close to me I could even conceivably touch them. Although I still felt the need to be cautious.
‘Stop squeezing those mammary glands and chip in with an idea, will ya?’ Bifidus went.
Now, as you can imagine, it was a real act of subtle information extraction finding out why I had suddenly become a blonde bombshell, but I am no monster and will quench your curiosity forthwith by getting straight to the point.
Apparently, animals can randomly pick a human form which they can assume. Yeah, shapeshifting ain’t just for humans, people! And I bet now you’re just thinking about how this explains uncle Bela’s sheepish smile, Artiom’s cocky attitude and most importantly, Zizi’s cuckoo behavior.
‘So, where do we start?’ I asked dreamily.
‘Where do we start this whole rescuing the day business?’
Bifidus pondered for a while. Which he never does, due to time constraints, so I knew for sure he had no clue how to proceed.
‘It’s funny, isn’t it? How knowing what is wrong with the world is not enough to know how to fix it’, she went.
‘I guess that’s why not a lot of people have got round to fixing it.’
‘Ok, let’s keep it simple, then. We have a villain, causing trouble, so if we find a way to dispose of him… problem solved!’
‘Well, if you ask me, I think that’s far from it. I mean, yeah, sure, this guy we’ve talked said there was this other guy who has evil and whatnot, but really… that’s mostly because it feels like there should be someone who is in control of the whole situation, top to bottom and is scheming away. I’d wager responsibility for the current crisis is rather more diffused. It’s a case of everyone, at their respective level, not doing something quite properly. A minor slip here, a small fuck-up there, and it all just sort of adds up, you know, and the initial plan gets sort of sidetracked.’
I was quite surprised at my discourse. Seems like standing on all fours for the past few weeks had really crystallized some of the qualms I had about the world. Nevertheless, Bifidus could not be kept down for long.
‘Ok, so… no clear villain, no plan of action… what else can we do to make it look like we’ve tried?’
I went over to the bins and discarded my hot dog wrapper in the appropriate container.
‘I’m good for today’, I announced proudly.
‘No, but seriously!’
‘Recycling is serious stuff!’
‘Yeah, no… I mean…’
‘It might not look heroic, I grant you that, but it’s because of creatures like you that we’re having to deal with polar bear immigration.’
‘They’re coming over on melting ice rafts, B!’
‘You’re walking on very thin ice, there, buddy!’
‘I… haven’t mo… that’s a bad pun!’
‘They’ll come over and take our jobs, sniff our garbage, lap up our bitches.’
‘Well, yours, maybe…’
‘They’re not like us, B! They don’t share our values.’
‘Ok, stop! You’re talking human. The worst kind.’
I was. My bad.
‘Ok, so, what I meant to ask you was about that other thing,’ she resumed.
Scratching head and nose.
‘Nope, still nothing.’