Hmmology – episode 11: Nibbles

To get the full story, start with EPISODE 1

‘OK, so let’s say we kind of have an ally now. How do we get the ball rollin’?’ Bifidus asked, snatching some cat treats from me. Oh, and by the way, if you were wondering why we – a hamster and a dog… a hamster and a man – were snacking on cat nibbles, know this: cat treats are the animal world’s cocaine.

Oh yeah! Highly addictive and expensive. Rightly so, since they were first introduced as a means of rewarding cat awesomeness. In fact, your dealer makes you put on a performance for them. You might think your dog is stupid because he can’t do tricks. You dangle some treats in front of him, he’ll put Nijinski to shame.

shall we dance?
Source: Daniel Barnard

Luckily, over the years Bifidus had established some useful business contacts in the cat treat underworld so we were set. And somehow, the password for getting under the counter nibbles at your inconspicuous corner shop was always ‘pussy on top’. Which, I was told, is a reference to a famous painting that has, incredibly enough, failed to render the depicted cat the center of the viewer’s attention, and placed it in the corner, under an open upturned book.

Oh, and another thing. All those celebrities you hear about, that just drop dead, seemingly out of the blue… those are actually cats that have foolishly borrowed a human form and end up kicking the bucket because they cannot have the treat. It’s weird, apparently something happens when you transfer to a human brain that stops you from eating bits of dehydrated meat when they come out of cans with the wrong label. That’s why you so rarely see cats borrowing human bodies. Actually, many animals have gone off borrowing humans and presently only a few species still practice it. Mostly sheep. Cats are just too comfortable being cats.

Mr and Ms Sheeple
Source: Jared Zimmerman

‘Well, I’d say we have to take our revolution to the street. Or somewhere outdoors. I mean, it shouldn’t be just the two of us, is what I heard is customary’, Bifidus chimed in.

‘Like a target audience, you mean?’

‘Yeah, exactly.’

Bifidus thought for a moment. Probably considering her estimated time left. After what I presume must have been some hasty and only partially accurate calculations, she looked at me with pleading eyes.

‘So, you’d say this would be like… a long term endeavor?’

Before we go any further, let’s be clear about something. I didn’t care much for Bifidus. I’m not even sure I do now, but I knew deep down that I needed someone else to point the finger at when the world would asking how saving the day could possibly end up as this massive cock-up. Because I knew we would fuck it up. Oh yes. That was the default setting with us. Making it even an inch above that low expectation would’ve meant a resounding success in my book.

We stood there, Bifidus wide-eyed and hopeful, me trying to look pensive instead of stuck, then suddenly, it dawned on me:

`To the job center!`

 

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