To get the full story, start with EPISODE 1
I suddenly felt the absurdity of my current situation. There I was, trapped in a dog’s body, a creature able to borrow human bodies whenever it saw fit to do so, yet somehow I was unable to claim back my original form. Questions just kept coming at me from every direction, which is obviously a problem, since they then end up in a multiple thinking collision on what would have been the information highway if you’d only invested in building one for your brain, instead of endlessly watching reruns. So I just made each one pay an exorbitant road tax and things cleared up real quick.
It seemed reasonable to argue that one is only as good a mammal as one deserves to be, at any given time. I was just pondering whether it would be wise to ask Bifidus about this, thus revealing my true nature, when she ejaculated:
‘Don’t be silly! What I mean is just that maybe we haven’t been looking at it from the right angle. Saving the day may not be this particular way. Maybe the road to a better world may not lay in the reliability of panty zippers!’
‘Oh, stop!’ I went, regaining my resting douche face, `you’re blowing my mind, fogging my Weltanschauung.`
‘I know, but bear with me.’
Bifidus clearly didn’t do sarcasm. Nor did sarcasm do him. The spark just wasn’t there.
‘What if…’ she squinted her eyes and bit her lower lip, `what if the point is that we all take care of our own quests and our small, collective victories make the world a better place?`
‘Well, it certainly would provide a useful distraction for people that enjoy being backseat drivers in other peoples’ lives. It does, however, present us with the rather daunting and highly inconvenient challenge of actually having a personal quest.’
‘Oh, that’s easy for me. I want to increase life expectancy for me and my fellow hamsters.’
The fact that Bifidus said this in one breath and really proud of herself deeply disturbed me. I find it hard enough to swallow other people knowing what to do with themselves, never mind rodents. So, obviously, I had to sow the seeds of doubt in his mind.
Now, you know how when you want to say something that you know will take the wind out of someone else’s sails, you have that fraction of a second when you hesitate and consider whether it is right to do so or not, but still power through it and draw a smiley face on the wrecking ball before you let it loose on their dreams? Because smashing them is so sweet when you suspect you’ve been too lazy to have some yourself?
I don’t have that.
I mean, arguably, I do, but they are always post-factum, which them even more useless than they generally are.
‘How does that make any sense? You can’t have I WANNA LIVE LONGER as a life goal.’