Hmmology – episode 18: The Little Paws That Could

To get the full story, start with EPISODE 1

‘Right, so’, Bifidus interjected ‘I got my life goal, whether you agree with it or not. What d’you got then?’

‘A name to live up to’, I said sulkily.

Perhaps this was the quest that would drag me out of the ridicule zone. Something noble and brave to make this four letter word that was my name pleasantly roll off of mammals’ tongues. Because yes, there is such a thing as fame in the animal kingdom. And if a dog can become famous for its acts of bravery and selflessness, then –  by Jove – so can I! Not exactly bulletproof logic there, but at the time it seemed very reasonable.

We got back in and told Buga about our change of plans. She went on for a few more minutes about how selfishness was the actual virtue THEY (uttered with exclamation marks so painfully audible, I straight-out refuse to consign them) didn’t want you to know about, until for some inexplicable reason, she developed a lazy eye to go with her ‘trust me, I heard worse from her’ bob.

Douche pride
Source: monkey_bob99x

Now, I would be a sneaky bastard were I to hide the fact that helping Bifidus in his newly proclaimed mission was something I decided to do in a sudden fit of altruism. As anyone who has ever survived his teenage years, I too had learned that doing small favors for those popular among us is a way to make the road ahead that little less bumpy.

And trust me, for some odd reason, hamsters are the rock stars of the animal world. Yeah, I know…

And I mean famous not just as in cats-on-the-internet famous. Although cats – credit where it’s due – do go for the most avant garde marketing stunts, and should they keep to it long enough something might just give. But hamsters are so beyond that. They are in the ‘Elvis has left the building so just calm the fuck down’ league of popular. Of course, ‘popular’ does not equal ‘beloved’, lest we forget how I met the little fellow.

Elvis hamster
Source: Tom

Hamsters play a special role in animal cosmogony. Come on, surely you didn’t think humans would be the only creatures to have such things going through their minds. If anything, at least they managed to agree on one version of the story.

Usually, when we think about the beginning of time and space we picture emerging this-or-thats or awakenings from some kind of primordial slumber. At one point, we get bored with the same birth imagery and have some earlier version of the supreme deity killed off by the new generation demiurge, because the first one was OK but trust us, this new one is the real deal. Also, he is as all-powerful as the old god, only more so. We’ll sweep that ‘being immortal’ bit under the rug…

What is perhaps more interesting in this scenario, is that the second generation of god(s) did not create the world – or not in its entirety – is pretty sloppy in running it – that is, if it even bothers to run things – but still totally expects to be praised as a world-forger. So there, mythology teaching us a valuable life lesson.

 

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