Hmmology – episode 19: The World According to Hamsters

To get the full story, start with EPISODE 1

Back to my point.

For animals, the world was never really born as much as it was passed the baton by whatever long forgotten cock-up had preceded it. Which I personally find to be much more realistic.

Now, although there is unity in vision there is also room for diversity, because there are two schools of thought regarding how animals perceive this primordial state. One of them argues that there initially was a pile of steaming manure, while the other purports it was a forever-decaying carcass.

Kitty library
Source: Klara

However, animals are decent people so they’ve reached a consensus in the next stage of the story. For they all agree that slowly approaching the primordial state-of-choice, tentatively circling it, is a rather noisy fly.

This fly – after a number of incursions – salvages some re-usable bits and pieces from the pile or carcass and being – as you might have guessed by now – an out of the ordinary insect, builds a spinning wheel out of it.

And whom might instantly materialize into said wheel but the cosmic hamster, whose relentless jogging jolted the universe into existence.

Hamster demiurge
Source: Jeremy Noble

So, did the first hamster create the world as we know it? Of course not. Well, not all of it. Not the interesting bits, anyway. According to myth, the alert but sustained rhythm of its jog was sufficient to spark atoms  and stuff like plants into being. But for the next step, a banana peel – as ancient and sacred as we might all agree at this point that it had to be –  had to appear in the wheel, causing the runner to slip. And it is so that the world with all its troubles and cats was born.

I’m sure somewhere in there is a beautiful lesson about how not being in control is a fact of life one must embrace. For me though, things looked a lot more straightforward:

1. Help hamster achieve greatness

2.  Let some of it rub off on you

Privilege by proxy is truly a wonderful thing.

‘Right, so you seem to have a plan. Whereto?’ I inquired, bracing myself for whatever my miniature friend’s mind could come up with.

‘No, pup, I never said anything about a plan. I just know what my favored outcome is.’

You can never be truly prepared for how simple the world can be through hamster-tinted glasses. Bifidus was standing there ever so proudly, as if the mere enunciation of a wish by her would be sufficient to kick fate into fifth gear and make it bloody run on time towards that specific goal.

‘But you said this was your thing. Kismet and all that!’

Marlene meh
Source: Youtube

I had to try. I had to.

‘Yeah, sure’, he said, simply.


‘And what?’

‘Seeing as it is so important to you, I’d have ventured to guess you might have something to start you off.’

‘Hmm… did you have anything in particular in mind?’

‘Well, I don’t know. A list, maybe?’

‘Nah, chief, I’ve no time for lists.’

I could see that we were going to have a problem here…



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