Hmmology – episode 27: Cogitation intensifies

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‘It is fascinating though’, Bifidus intervened dreamily ‘how much of the stuff that goes into being a human is devoid of verbs.’

That seemed just a bit out of the blue. It looked as if an ideation can-of-worms had been opened and it reeked bad enough to bring a whole jumbo jet down. Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 27: Cogitation intensifies”

Hmmology – episode 26: The Audacity of ‘Decent Enough’

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‘Why do they do this?’ Bifidus asked with a flat tone of voice that felt rather scary.

‘Do what?’

‘Why give a creature a need for a purpose only to then have the rest of its life prove no purpose can be good enough?’

‘Oh, B… they’re nothing but humans. And look, we probably just spent too much time on two feet. Tell you what, let’s do some serious detox, eh? No more humaning for the rest of the week. You’ll forget about this whole mess just like that!’ Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 26: The Audacity of ‘Decent Enough’”

Hmmology – episode 25: Dream A Little Dream (Watermelon version)

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Of course, I’ve used the tried and tested method of blaming it all – or most of it – on her. And one does get a few crazy-ex jokes out of it. But when you stop and think about it for a bit, it just makes you sad. Because you either admit to unjustly vilifying someone in order to feel better – you pathetic buffoon! – or you face the fact that you don’t know what the heck got into you for spending so much time with them in the first place and would someone just please make the memory of those years go away?! Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 25: Dream A Little Dream (Watermelon version)”

Hmmology – episode 24: It Takes Two to Tango but Only One Idiot to Fall in Love

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I had never seen B look so small before. Maybe it was my imagination, but she looked slightly folded in on herself. It’s notoriously difficult for small things to look small because most of their energy is spent making the world around them fit their own size so you don’t notice any discrepancy. If anything, they end up larger than everyone else because, unlike all of those around them, they haven’t actually changed a bit. But this time the world had not had its ears boxed and told to be a good little girl. So it had just gone on with its usual liberated woman proportions and was by now probably considering burning its bra.

Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 24: It Takes Two to Tango but Only One Idiot to Fall in Love”

Hmmology episode 23: Love – The Itch that Dare not Scratch Itself

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‘They added some shredded book pages to your sawdust, didn’t they?’ I asked with a smirk slapped across my face.

‘They were the classics, man’, Bifidus went.

‘That doesn’t make them right, though.’

‘Thousands upon thousands of novelists and poets can’t be wrong about love’, he protested.

‘Really? Well, since we’ve decided on establishing truth by sheer numbers, I guess you’ll be having lunch with the flies then. No reason why you should object to their culinary preferences’. I felt very smart. Continue reading “Hmmology episode 23: Love – The Itch that Dare not Scratch Itself”

Hmmology – episode 21: All You Need is Love (But Only After You’ve Secured a Plethora of Other Things)

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‘I know what we should do’, ejaculated Bifidus, a bit too enthusiastically for my taste and peace of mind. You always have to watch out with people who suddenly feel like they’ve had a brilliant idea. This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with some fool thinking they’ve had an idea that hasn’t already been repeatedly proven utterly stupid by its collision with reality’s governess-like gaze.

‘What do you suggest then?’ I was actually getting a full-body workout as a result of my intense cringing. Still a less boring way to keep in shape than running.

‘Fall in love!’ Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 21: All You Need is Love (But Only After You’ve Secured a Plethora of Other Things)”

Hmmology – episode 20: About Plots as a Stringent Necessity

say what?

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Perhaps I was being unfair and it was up to me to break this task into reasonably-sized morsels. It’s not that surprising after all that these poor fellows have a pathological fear of long-term plans. It stands to reason when you’re bound to push up the daisies in a couple of years.

Then again, it’s not like humans are that much better at making plans, even though we practically live for eons by hamster standards. Actually, from a rodent point of view, humanity is quite useless. All that lifespan and what have we to show for it? Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 20: About Plots as a Stringent Necessity”

Hmmology – episode 19: The World According to Hamsters

Marlene meh

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Back to my point.

For animals, the world was never really born as much as it was passed the baton by whatever long forgotten cock-up had preceded it. Which I personally find to be much more realistic.

Now, although there is unity in vision there is also room for diversity, because there are two schools of thought regarding how animals perceive this primordial state. One of them argues that there initially was a pile of steaming manure, while the other purports it was a forever-decaying carcass.

Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 19: The World According to Hamsters”

Hmmology – episode 18: The Little Paws That Could

Douche pride

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‘Right, so’, Bifidus interjected ‘I got my life goal, whether you agree with it or not. What d’you got then?’

‘A name to live up to’, I said sulkily.

Perhaps this was the quest that would drag me out of the ridicule zone. Something noble and brave to make this four letter word that was my name pleasantly roll off of mammals’ tongues. Because yes, there is such a thing as fame in the animal kingdom. And if a dog can become famous for its acts of bravery and selflessness, then –  by Jove – so can I! Not exactly bulletproof logic there, but at the time it seemed very reasonable.

Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 18: The Little Paws That Could”

Hmmology – episode 16: Life goals and some other monkey business

monkey with a gun

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‘You can’t have I WANNA LIVE LONGER as a life goal.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because… that’s cheating,’ I said. ‘And also, it doesn’t solve anything, really. Once you’ve got that, you still have to find something to do with yourself before you die.’ Continue reading “Hmmology – episode 16: Life goals and some other monkey business”